You Explained Yourself Clearly — So Why Didn’t It Work?
- Jan 16
- 4 min read
You Explained Yourself Clearly — So Why Didn’t It Work?
I once worked with a client who kept finding themself stuck in the same conversation with a close friend — again and again — just wearing a different outfit each time.
On the surface, it looked simple.
My client wanted one thing: consideration. Specifically, they asked their friend not to be on their phone or texting other people when they were spending time together.
Reasonable. Clear. Calm — at least at first. And yet… it never worked.
Every time my client brought it up, the conversation spiraled. Feelings flared. Someone shut down. Days of silence followed. Then guilt, repair attempts, confusion — and eventually, the issue resurfaced all over again.
Same loop. New round.
So we slowed it down and looked underneath the words. What we found had very little to do with phones.
Two Nervous Systems, Two Processing Styles
My client was what I call a spewer. When something hurt, they needed to talk it out right away. Processing happened out loud. The clarity came through the conversation. Attachment-wise, they leaned anxious-preoccupied — meaning connection felt regulating, and distance felt destabilizing.
Their friend, on the other hand, was a chewer. They processed internally, privately, and slowly. They needed time to sort their thoughts before speaking — and only wanted to talk once they felt grounded. Attachment-wise, they leaned dismissive-avoidant — meaning autonomy felt regulating, and emotional pursuit felt overwhelming.
Neither of them was wrong. But their nervous systems were speaking completely different languages.
What the Loop Sounded Like (When Everyone Was Triggered)
It usually went something like this.
My client: “Hey, can I ask something? When we’re together, could you not be on your phone so much? It makes me feel disconnected.”
Friend (already tense): “I am present. I’m doing so much already — answering messages, coordinating things, handling stuff. It feels like no matter what I do, it’s not enough.”
My client (activated now): “I’m not saying you’re bad. I’m just asking for consideration. Why is this such a big deal?”
Friend (overwhelmed, flooded): “I don’t know what you want from me.”Silence. No response. No follow-up.
From my client’s side, the silence felt like abandonment. From the friend’s side, the conversation felt like an attack they didn’t have words for. So my client did what anxious systems often do when connection feels threatened — they pursued. Texts. Clarifications. Re-explaining. Asking to resolve it now. And the more they pursued, the more the friend froze, stonewalled, or disappeared — not to punish, but because their nervous system had gone offline.
Clear words. Completely failed outcome.
Why It Didn’t Work (Even Though the Ask Was Valid)
The request wasn’t the problem. The pace was. One nervous system needed immediacy to feel safe. The other needed space to feel safe. So every attempt to “fix it” actually made it worse. What we worked on wasn’t better wording — it was regulation, pacing, and consent around timing.
What Calmed the Loop Down
Here’s what shifted everything.
1. Naming the Pattern, Not Blaming the Person
Instead of focusing on the phone, we focused on the cycle.
“I think when I bring things up quickly, it overwhelms you. And when you go quiet, it scares me. I don’t think either of us is wrong — I think our systems work differently.”
That reframed the problem from you vs me to us vs the pattern.
2. Slowing the Moment of Impact
We practiced pausing before pursuing.
My client learned to say: “I’m feeling activated right now, and I want to talk about this — but I don’t want to chase you or overwhelm you. Can we come back to this later today or tomorrow?”
That sentence alone reducedthe shutdown by more than half.
3. Letting the Chewer Chew — With a Return Time
The friend practiced not disappearing indefinitely.
Instead of freezing silently, they learned to say:“I’m overwhelmed and don’t have words yet. I care about this, and I need time to process. Can we talk tomorrow evening?”
This turned stonewalling into a contained space, which feels very different to an anxious nervous system.
Reframing the Phone Conversation
When everyone was regulated, the conversation sounded more like this:
Client: “When we’re together, and you’re texting, I notice I feel less connected. I think what I’m really needing is presence and reassurance that our time matters.”
Friend: “I didn’t realize that’s what it meant for you. When you bring it up quickly, I feel like I’m failing or being criticized, and I shut down because I don’t know what to say yet.”
Client: “That makes sense. Would you be open to keeping your phone away during meals or one-on-one time, and letting me know if something urgent comes up?”
Friend: “Yes — and if I slip, I’d appreciate a gentle check-in instead of it feeling like I messed everything up.”
Same issue. Completely different outcome.
If the Roles Were Reversed
Take-Home Communication Scripts
Regarding the Spewer/Anxious System, I want to talk about this while also respecting your processing pace. Can we pick a time to come back to it so I don’t spiral?”
For the Chewer / Avoidant System, “I’m not avoiding this — I’m processing. I care, and I will come back once I have words. Here’s when.”
For Either Role, “I’m noticing we’re getting activated. Let’s pause so we don’t hurt each other while dysregulated.”
Clear communication doesn’t fail because you said the wrong thing.
It fails when your nervous systems aren’t in agreement about timing, safety, and pace.
When you learn to communicate with the body — not just from the mind — the exact words finally start to work.
If you’re curious what that could even look like for your patterns and relationships, let’s have a conversation. Go to https://www.raylifecoaching.com/contact.
I’d love to share what I’ve been working on for the past three years — tools that help people move out of these loops and toward consensual, secure relating and more fulfilling lives. Get the Confidecene Tool Kit a 4-week Email toolkit for free.
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